What Kind Of Psycho Are You?

If I had nickel for every time I’ve been told, “you have no empathy for other people”, I’d have an alarming number of nickels.

Alarming because I’m always shocked that people see me that way but also because it isn’t true.

Or maybe it is?

From Google: A grandiose or malignant narcissist is a person who possesses cognitive empathy but lacks emotional empathy. 

They perfectly understand what you are thinking and feeling (cognitive empathy), which helps them calculate how to manipulate you. However, because they lack emotional empathy, they do not share your feelings or care about your well-being. 

That description is probably closer to the truth but still not exactly right.

Closer to the truth is I smell a liar a mile away, and boy howdy do people lie. They make shit up, they gas-light, they will do literally anything to get their own way with no consideration for who gets hurt in the process. When I see a person lying in an attempt to gain sympathy at someone else’s (often my own) expense, I get stone cold. But because no one else sees what I see, they feel bad for the liar and think that I’m the jerk. That is where the reputation comes from because people who actually know me don’t read this blog.

If you read this blog, you may very well be thinking that malignant narcissist sounds about right. I prefer the term “situational engineer”. For sure, I compartmentalize far better than most people.

I have never felt compelled to “come clean” out of guilt. To the contrary, one of my rules of life is, “never admit to anything you’re not actually caught doing – contain the damage”. Don’t get bamboozled by accusations. Accusations are not facts. If you do get caught doing one thing – don’t then admit to everything else, especially if it’s going to incriminate other people. Never say more than absolutely necessary.

As I mentioned in the previous post, I’ve been listening to the podcast, Missing in Arizona, by Jon Walczak. It’s about a man named Robert Fisher who in 2001 murdered his family, burned down the house and then disappeared into the architecture never to be seen or heard from again.

Now, that’s a fucking psycho.

In the episode I was listening to yesterday, Jon is detailing the gradual demise of Robert’s sense of self and overall mental state over a period of several years.

In my opinion, Robert is your everyday, run of the mill, ex-miltary, ex-firefighter, good ole boy asshole who needs a swift kick in the teeth. Instead of that, he marries a mousy woman that he can control. Narcissists need an audience and are usually drawn to people who allow them to be in charge.

Anyway, one day towards the beginning of the end, Robert goes to a massage parlor looking for relief from his chronic back pain. What he gets instead is a massage with a happy ending.

That part is not particularly upsetting or alarming but it’s what he does next that differentiates me – a skilled engineer, from him – a fucking lunatic.

For all intents and purposes, Robert has gotten away with his little escapade. No one knows what happened. He could’ve gone home, eaten dinner and gone on about his life as if everything was fine and the rest of the world would be none the wiser.

That’s not what happens.

Robert decides to make a big show of confessing to Mary (his wife), says that he’s going away for thirty days and that he understands if she wants to divorce him BUT that he will also kill himself if that’s what she decides.

Classic narcissist move.

They have two kids by this time. So, not only does he cheat on her but also makes a big stupid show of confessing and then runs off for a few weeks leaving her to deal with the house, bills, kids, and everything else by herself.

What a selfish son of a bitch.

Remember, Mary didn’t know. Robert could’ve not done any of that and everything would’ve been A-ok.

He also then makes a big show out of going to church, attending a men’s ministry and generally pretending to be less of a self absorbed dick than he actually is.

Some people interpreted Robert’s behavior as an indication of genuine remorse and a desire to be a better husband and a better man in general. But not me. Not at all, not even for an instant. Robert is a narcissist sack of shit that will miss no opportunity to make every situation be about himself with zero consideration for how it impacts anyone else.

What do Robert’s actions say about him and what does my reaction say about me?

Two different kinds of psychos, two different approaches. I’m a situational engineer, in it for the long game. Calm, deliberate, in control, flying under the radar. Robert is unhinged.

I have no problem claiming moral superiority here based on one simple fact. I didn’t murder my family and burn down the house, ergo I win by default.

I didn’t murder my family, but my father did. In 1961, he was the only suspect in a triple homicide for which he was found not guilty by reason of insanity.

I think that’s a story for another day.