Walk Away

Things with Travis are not good.

They haven’t been good for a long time, or maybe they never were.

I am fantastically hopeful and persistent to a fault.

But everyone has a last straw.

I could go on and on with an itemized list of all the things that have happened but honestly, it’s embarrassing to list so many offenses and then realize that I should’ve cut and run much sooner. I mean, who in their right mind would put up with any of the crazy shit that I’m not even going to tell you about?

No one.

But there was a last straw.

He had started seeing this woman that he had been involved with one other time. Their relationship went down in flames the first time and this time around it only lasted about six weeks. I told him it wouldn’t work because “try-agains” rarely do. He said, “I’m not overthinking it”, and I said, “that’s the problem”. I can imagine how stupid she felt when he did the exact same shit all over again.

Trust me, I know.

Anyway, at the start of his re-involvement with Tina, I had asked him to please preserve our ability to have unprotected sex. Do I even have to say what happened next? About three days later he fucks her without a condom and his explanation was that, “neither of us had one!” – as if it were charming and funny.

I didn’t think it was either of those things.

It was blatantly disrespectful. He clearly had no intention of honoring my request and then tried to act like he would be willing to use condoms with me if I was really that worried about it.

I didn’t even know what to say.

It was the last straw but still more shit happened after that. I realized later though that this had been the point of no return.

Complicating matters is that I am also on his payroll and can’t afford to quit until Xavier graduates and gets a real job. So, rather than bring down hellfire over this bullshit, I just withdrew and spiraled silently.

Were he not 100% self absorbed, he would’ve noticed. If he cared about me, he would’ve been concerned that something was wrong – very wrong.

The desired reaction was not forthcoming, and it never is.

To be clear, the crux of the problem is not a list of offenses. In the end, it all comes down to just one issue: inconsideration.

All relationships are governed by rules.

I’ve tried to explain this to him, ad nauseam. No matter how open and free you might think a situation is, there is still a universal truth at play. All relationships are governed by rules. Marriages, affairs, friendships, business deals: they might not all have the same rules but they all have rules.

I never thought of this as a complicated concept but apparently to some people it is.

Travis does not change, ever. If you wonder what he’s going to do, it’s exactly whatever he was going to do anyway. And that’s it. He doesn’t alter his behavior out of consideration for someone else. He won’t do anything to make the relationship workable for the other person. Travis takes care of Travis with zero thought about anything else. And when called on it, always has the same predictable reaction which is to shut down and say some nonsense like, “the universe is telling me to be selfish right now.” thus avoiding accountability.

Losing to an amateur

It was Valentine’s Day and Travis had done the usual nothing for me. No acknowledgment or anything. I also had to buy my own dinner because Xavier was unemployed. I was feeling sorry for myself.

Alphonse was new on the scene, like just a couple weeks. I wasn’t expecting anything from him but guess what he did? Showered me with kisses and took me shopping for lingerie. He’s never had an affair before, hasn’t been married to me for ten years or been in a tumultuous affair with me for 19 years.

Alphonse is new at this but he’s winning. He doesn’t push me away because of moral conflict or because he “needs his space”. He makes an effort, he communicates, he shows up. He’s concerned if I ate lunch and if I’m doing alright. He can run a business and he’s a wizard at fixing stuff.

Alphonse is a capable man and I felt the contrast, hard. It ignited a slow burn towards Travis that was unstoppable and a few weeks later when Alphonse asked me to end my involvement with Travis, it was an easy decision.

Know when to walk away, know when to run.

The previously mentioned hellfire that been on the back burner came forth. I left Alphonse out of it, not only to protect his privacy but because Travis had put all the nails in his own coffin and I wanted to stay focused on that.

The desired reaction was still not forthcoming. He said things like, “I appreciate your perspective” and “I can’t argue with you”, and “I don’t know why I treat the people I care about that way”.

Ok, whatever, but in the end all of that just translates to, “If you want to be mad, I can’t stop you.”

Like punching a wet pillow, his response was unsatisfying to say the least.

But, honestly, what did I expect? Given his previous behavior, is he going to cry and beg for forgiveness? Unlikely.

Travis hasn’t said anything like, “can we talk about this?” or “can we try again?” or anything at all that would indicate a desire to patch things up or to do better. He’s just trying to wait out the storm under the guise of, “I can’t control how you choose to feel.”

He’s right, he can’t control how I choose to feel. And it’s clear to me that it’s time to make some different choices when it comes to who receives my attention.

I am still on the payroll of Travis’ business and still doing the job he pays me to do but that’s it.

I don’t do anything that is not convenient for me or causes me to come out of pocket financially. No more trips to a different city to visit him so he can have free sex and I can pay for half a tank of gas and buy my own lunch. No more going above and beyond for anything. No more trying to help in areas where he clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing. No more counseling or intimacy of any kind.

It’s strictly business now.